"May we exist like a lotus, At home in the muddy water. Thus we bow to life as it is."

The lotus, a symbol of Buddhism, grows in water, and appears to float on the surface. In reality, though, its long stem holds the flower just above the water. As the water moves, it tugs on the stem, so that the blossom seems to bow.

The sermon at church yesterday related to this concept of "being at home in muddy water"-- that may seem strange to some, because it is from Zen Buddhism. But I found it very interesting.

There was reference to the book "At Home in the Muddy Water: A Guide to Finding Peace within Everyday Chaos" and an experiment that is described to demonstrate this concept of finding peace within the chaos....

If you take a glass of water and add mud to it, the mud will eventually settle to the bottom of the glass, and the top of the water will be clear. But if you stir it up, the water becomes muddy and unclear throughout -- chaotic in a sense. Stop stirring it up, let it calm down, and the mud will again settle. It is still there, but it is not permeating everything. There is clarity, there is peace, even though the mud -- the troubles, the difficulties, the grief, the uncertainty, etc. -- is still there. Being at home in the muddy water is about being able to live in the moment -- not in the past, not in the future, neither stirring up things from the past nor worrying about the future -- but being able to find peace in this moment. To me that doesn't mean that you avoid or ignore those things, but that you can find peace even within them.

I don't know if I am explaining this as well as I had hoped (sometimes the things in my head don't come out properly when I try to put them into words). I wish I would taken notes of the sermon, because there were a number of things that I wanted to remember, but as always they escape me within a short time.

It's still Friday... ;-)

Sheldon's basketball tournament started tonight. His first game was at 7:00 -- they won, 80-35. Nice! :-) I have to work tomorrow, but will still be able to make his other two games. I'm making soup tonight for the canteen tomorrow, and he and I have to work at the canteen from 9:30-11:00 a.m. His next game is at 11:30, so I'll get to see about half of it before I have to go to work, and then his final game is at 7:00, so that gives me plenty of time after work. I was worried I might not see him play much -- with most of his games out of town this season and me working, I've barely made it to a game. I don't like that.

His birthday is tomorrow, so we gotta find time to celebrate that, too. ;-)

His birthday fell during the home tournament last year, too... that was a rough time... I'm glad that things are different this year for me. I hope that they are okay for him. And I hope his dad makes it to the tournament this year, and sees him on his birthday......

~~~~~

I'm listening to some Rich Mullins tonight. (Thanks, John!) It's been a long time since I listened to Rich -- I need to do so more often. I'm thinking that I should add him to my iPod. ;-)

I'm going to have to go find a snack. The smell of soup cooking is making me terribly hungry... lol.

Have a great weekend, my friends! :-)

*~*~*~*~
Currently playing: Let Mercy Lead ~ Rich Mullins

I feel like a fake.

For so many years, church was such a big part of my life. I taught Sunday School for 15 years, I was involved with a healing ministry for a number of years, participated in and led Bible study for years, was involved with youth stuff -- and heavily involved in and devoted to Teens Encounter Christ -- taught and helped with Vacation Bible School, participated in nearly every ecumenical service, have been on local and parish church council for many years, took numerous lay ministry training workshops, led (and still lead) some Sunday services, and so on and so on and so on......

I don't say all of that to boast, I hope it doesn't come across that way. The thing is... so much has changed. That stuff -- for the most part -- doesn't matter to me anymore. Church in general doesn't matter to me. I feel like I'm just going through the motions most of the time. It's not my basic faith, but the rest of it. Some things I just don't do any more, and other things I do because of a sense of obligation more than anything. My heart is not in it. Do I continue to fake it, and maybe some day I will find the heart for those things again? It gets harder all the time...

Some of it has to do with just being burned out -- too many years of the same stuff, with less and less people to carry the load. Some of it has to do with being "burned" -- from people I thought I should have been able to count on. It has left with me with an "I just don't care anymore" attitude.

And it's left me confused and uncertain... and hurt. One of my main reasons for sticking it out has been because I don't want to abandon one of my best friends when she is needing the support (and she's feeling overwhelmed and burned out herself). But it doesn't feel right any more. I don't know if I can keep doing it.

*sigh*

I think I need some chocolate.... :-P

(As depressing as all this sounds, life in general is good. This is just my angst of the moment... lol. ;-) )

I always dislike this time of year.... financial and annual reports for work, annual meetings for work and church, and some of the junk that seems to go with that.

I won't say much about work, except that there's some stress related to the need to find a new treasurer for the library board. Have to leave it at that, as this is a public blog...

Every year I dread annual meeting time for our church. Well, I didn't used to -- but for the last few years I have. I really have to make a decision about whether to stay on in my current position. I haven't particularily wanted to have it for the past couple of years, but there are so very few of us that I end up feeling "obligated", and that is not a good reason to be there. I've stayed in this position more as a support to a friend than because it's either where I want to be or think I should be. I'd feel bad to leave her without support, and at this time I'm really unsure as to whether anyone else would be willing to fill the position. Blah...... I don't know what to do. I don't *feel* like it's where I want to be. I think I got burned out. Among other things. *sigh*

Sheldon should have his car fixed this weekend. Poor kid has been waiting for over 3 weeks. At least it wasn't as bad as they first expected. He's going to help his dad with it in the morning.

He's got a busy week coming up, between semester finals, a Nickelback concert (which, had I known that Live was opening for them...!!! I would have loved to have gone. Not that he'd have wanted his mother there! lol), work, his home basketball tournament on Friday/Saturday, and his 17th birthday on Saturday. ;-) I think I'm going to go to Saskatoon on Monday to get the rest of his birthday present and do some other shopping.

So yeah.... that's about it for an update from me.... lol. :-P

*~*~*~*

Currently playing: You're Beautiful ~ James Blunt

Happy New Year!

I'm back...... :-D

I hope everyone had a great Christmas, and I wish you all a wonderful New Year!

I had a fantastic holiday season. I've been on vacation since December 24th, I go back to work tomorrow.... blech. I always hate going back after vacation.

Chantelle got home on December 23rd. It was so great to have her home. :-) The kids spent Christmas Eve with their dad and that side of the family. More relatives than usual were home for Christmas this year, so that was cool for them. They had a good time. Chantelle, Sheldon and I went to church that night -- one of my favorite services of the year. Love it!

Christmas Day was quiet, but very relaxing and very nice. We slept in -- we are all night owls, lol. We opened gifts and just kinda lazed around a bit, I got the turkey in the oven for supper, and we played some board games in the afternoon, including our annual round of Trivial Pursuit. I think we need an easier version..... hahaha. Of course, there was the obligatory munching of goodies and snacks while playing games. ;-) It was a wonderful day -- I am so very thankful for my kids, and for the time we had all together. They are awesome. :-)

Chantelle went to Winnipeg to visit friends for New Year's. She planned to leave on the 28th, but things didn't work out as planned, and she left on the morning of the 29th instead.

And speaking of plans not working out..... in the end they did, but they started off with a big hitch. I went on vacation after Christmas -- to Arizona for a week. Or almost a week. I was supposed to fly out on the 28th, but unfortunately on the way to Saskatoon (an hour away), Sheldon's car broke down!!! We managed to get back to a nearby town to call home (no cell). He ended up having to get it towed back to town, and I had to get Robbie to come pick us up and try to get me to Saskatoon in time for my flight. We hit snow and unbelievable traffic jams in Saskatoon, and when I got to the airport, the flight was just departing. Arrggghhhhh........ So frustrating.

I spent the next hour making new arrangements for a flight the next morning, being told that the plane hadn't left after all (weather delay) and that they'd get me on the flight -- but all my info in the computer had to be changed back (since I was now booked for a different flight), and that took FOREVER. They finally got it done and were about to send me to the plane (my luggage was already sent), only to be told that the plane had just left!!!!! After they had promised me that it wouldn't leave without me. Man....... what a stressful day!!!!

I ended up getting put back onto the flight for the following morning, and staying in Saskatoon overnight at my dad's. Had to be at the airport at 5:00 a.m., and there was no way I was going back home! lol

My vacation itself was awesome. :-D I got home a little after 2:00 this morning -- coming from Saskatoon in dense fog. So I slept in this morning and am being lazy today -- my last day before work. Just unpacking and doing some laundry, catching up on emails/boards/blogs, etc. At some point I need to take the Christmas tree down, but not today. :-P

Gonna call my girl tonight and see how her time in Winnipeg went. :-)

*~*~*

Currently playing: Always There ~ Todd Agnew

(can't wait to get my iPod updated with all my music :-D )