I feel like a fake.
For so many years, church was such a big part of my life. I taught Sunday School for 15 years, I was involved with a healing ministry for a number of years, participated in and led Bible study for years, was involved with youth stuff -- and heavily involved in and devoted to Teens Encounter Christ -- taught and helped with Vacation Bible School, participated in nearly every ecumenical service, have been on local and parish church council for many years, took numerous lay ministry training workshops, led (and still lead) some Sunday services, and so on and so on and so on......
I don't say all of that to boast, I hope it doesn't come across that way. The thing is... so much has changed. That stuff -- for the most part -- doesn't matter to me anymore. Church in general doesn't matter to me. I feel like I'm just going through the motions most of the time. It's not my basic faith, but the rest of it. Some things I just don't do any more, and other things I do because of a sense of obligation more than anything. My heart is not in it. Do I continue to fake it, and maybe some day I will find the heart for those things again? It gets harder all the time...
Some of it has to do with just being burned out -- too many years of the same stuff, with less and less people to carry the load. Some of it has to do with being "burned" -- from people I thought I should have been able to count on. It has left with me with an "I just don't care anymore" attitude.
And it's left me confused and uncertain... and hurt. One of my main reasons for sticking it out has been because I don't want to abandon one of my best friends when she is needing the support (and she's feeling overwhelmed and burned out herself). But it doesn't feel right any more. I don't know if I can keep doing it.
*sigh*
I think I need some chocolate.... :-P
(As depressing as all this sounds, life in general is good. This is just my angst of the moment... lol. ;-) )
The Surface of the Sun
9 years ago
6 comments:
Wow. That sounds so familiar. I can relate so well to most of that post right now. I wish I could help you, but all I can really say, I guess, is that you're not alone! That, and I'm prayin for ya.
Remember the basic parts to your faith. Rely on that, on Him, and do what you think is best. Don't focus on what others think you should do. You'll be fine... ;-)
:-)
Serving Christ and serving the church are not always the same thing. Sounds like a break might be in order.
I'll be praying.
Alan ~ Thanks... as always. :-)
Matt ~ I had a similar thought as I was typing that last night -- about serving Christ and serving the church. Thanks. :-)
Mmm chocolate - that's good stuff, that.
I do relate to the feelings of frustration - sometimes it's just time to rest in Him. I'm praying for you, my friend!
*huggles*
Carmel
"...sometimes it's just time to rest in Him."
Hmmm... that sounds very familiar... seems to me I told Alan the same thing not so long ago. ;-)
Think God is trying to tell us something? ;-)
I know how you feel. I got church burnout about 5 years ago. I've since learned that "doing for the church" isn't nearly as important as "being for God." If the "doing" is part of the "being," then continue. But if not, then, well, you know.
Praying for you.
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